26 de Abril del 2012 | etiquetas: Humor, Hollywood Compartir
Hollywood arde, y no solo por el último trend-topic de Hollywood protagonizado por un Mel Gibson que ha demostrado necesitar urgente atención psiquiátrica y un Joe Eszterhas que no duda en disparar al blanco, si no también por anteriores capítulos protagonizados por amiguetes de la talla de Chevy Chase, Alec Baldwin, David O. Russell, Lily Tomlin, como no, Charlie Sheen, o mismamente, el terminator Christian Bale. Buena cuenta de ello nos da What Culture a través de este particular top-ten. Hoy toca primera entrega.
1. Chevy Chase vs. Dan Harmon
El caso: Tras una serie de re-escrituras de último momento, guiones a medio terminar y las manifestaciones de las luchas internas, Chevy Chase abandonó definitivamente el set de "Community" en pleno rodaje de la última temporada. En un after-party, Harmon animó a los asistentes a canturrear algo que entre líneas se apreciaba “F**k you, Chevy”, en frente del icono americano y su familia. Esa misma noche, Chase dejó un voicemail a Harmon:
Transcrito: (gracias a nowpublic.com)
*Aviso para navegantes: Exceptuando el segundo punto, hemos decidido no traducir los textos y dejarlos en su inglés original debido a la gran cantidad de inproperios que incluyen.
“I hope you [???] medicine, you fat fuck. You didn’t give us a script to begin with, so nobody knew what the fuck was going on during the week. Second of all, your goddamn bad writing, shit stinko fuck, was an abomination; and your writing is getting worse, so suck my cock. I don’t get talked to like that by anybody certainly not in front of my wife and daughter, you goddamn asshole; alcoholic, fat shit.
You’re gonna live to be about 57, if you’re lucky, the way you eat. I have nothing to say to you except you can suck my cock. Is that clear?
And I hope you can play that for everybody around you who agrees with you that [???] you should say “fuck you” in front of all of those people, to me and my family. You think that’s the right way to behave?”
2. Alec Baldwin vs. Ireland (su hija de 11 años de edad)
El Caso: Producto del divorcio, muchos padres llegan a ver a su hija en ocasiones contadas. Esta situación es un claro reflejo de la cantidad de progenitores frustrados que hay en todo el mundo. Y si no, que se lo pregunten a Alec Baldwin, o mejor dicho, que se lo pregunten a su hija que es lo que pasa cuando no le coge el teléfono.
"Oye, quiero decirte algo, ¿vale? Y quiero dejar un mensaje que quede bien claro para ti. Porque una vez más, Son las 10:30 aquí en Nueva York, es miércoles, y una vez más he hehchoo lo imposible por llamarte a esta hora determinada. Cuando llega la hora de la llamada dejo lo que sea que esté haciendo para poder hablar contigo.Te llamo a las 11 de la mañana desde Nueva York y si no coges el teléfono repito a las 10 de la noche. Y tu ni tan siquiera tienes encendido el jodido teléfono. Quiero que sepas algo, ¿vale? Estoy cansado de jugar a este juego contigo. Te dejo este mensaje para advertite de que me has insultado por última vez. Me has insultado y no tienes ni el mínimo cerebro ni la decencia de un ser humano. Me importa un bledo que tengas 12 años o 11 años de edad, o que seas un niño, o que tu madre no suponga más que un constante dolor de culo para mi. Me has humillado por última vez con este asunto. Y la próxima semana volaré allí únicamente para arreglar este tema para transmitirte cara a cara lo enfadado y decepcionado que estoy. Me has hecho sentir como un idiota una y otra y otra vez. Y toda esta mierda con la que me está vacilando en este asunto del teléfono es algo que ni tan siquiera soñarías hacérselo jamás a tu madre. Voy a subir a un avión y voy a llegar únicamente para enderezar tu culo en cuanto te vea. ¿Me entiendes? Me voy a encargar personalmente de que lo entiendas. Luego me volveré a subir a un avión y regresaré a casa. Así que mejor que estés lista el viernes 20 para reunirte conmigo.Así te haré saber como me siento al ver lo maleducada que puedes llegar a ser, pequeña cerda. Eres una maleducada e inconsciente pequeña cerda, OK?"
3. Charlie Sheen vs Chuck Lorre y el Pensamiento Coherente
El Caso:
Desmedido en casi todo, incluyendo su éxito en "Dos hombres y medio", Sheen sigue su propio (y obseceno) camino. Mentes y egos comenzaron a chocar entre la estrella y su jefe Chuck Lorre, quien eventualmente entró en su mente en pleno apogeo revelador de Charlie Sheen. Y como todo pensador racional, Sheen divaga con sus pensamientos sobre Lorre...y los trolls, las meadas, y por supuesto, la victoria
Sobre su sobriedad:
“Aquí está tu test de orina. El próximo va en tu boca.”
Sobre sus tres novias (suponemos):
"Las diosas. No creo que el término sea lo suficientemente bueno. Pero cuando estás vinculado a estas descripciones terrestres, debes utilizar el mejor término posible ... lo que nosotros tenemos es un matrimonio de corazón.”
Sobre quien le ataca:
“No hago más que lidiar con tontos y trolls. No tengo tiempo para sus juicios y estupidez. Sabes que ellos se acuestan con sus asquerosas mujeres delante de sus asquerosos hijos y dicen 'no puedo soportarlo". Bueno, es que nunca lo harás. Sólo puedes sentarte y disfrutar del espectáculo.”
Porque es mejor que la media:
“I didn’t care about that vanity card. That’s one of the few compliments that clown has paid me in almost a decade. If I bring up these turds, these little homunculese (?) losers, there’s no reason to then bring them back into the fold. Because I have real fame and they have nothing.”
Sobre su polémico enfrentamiento con el creador de "Dos Hombres y Medio", Chuck Lorre:
“I’m tired of being told you can’t talk about that. Bull [expletive]. It’s nothing this side of deplorable that Chaim Levine — yeah that’s his real name mistook this rock star for his exit strategy. I embarrassed him in front of his children by healing at a pace that his brain can’t process. Last time I checked, Chaim, I’ve spent the last decade turning your tin cans into gold. And this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he’s above the law. You’ve been warned, dude, bring it.”
En su confianza propia:
“I got magic. I got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time, and this includes naps, I’m an F18 bro and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground.”
Sobre su último tatuaje:
“Getting a tattoo during the death from above scene [in 'Apocalypse Now']. It’s a banner from the death card that Kilgore is throwing on his victims. But also on it is the apple from ‘The Giving Tree.’ There’s my life. Deal with it. Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh-bye!”
Su punto de vista sobre un psoible “Major League 3″:
“I agreed to do it. There’s just one detail they need to work out. If I’m in it it’s a smash. If I’m not, it’s a turd that opens on a tug boat.”.
4. David O’ Russell vs Lily Tomlin
El Caso:
Lily Tomlin y David O. Russel mano a mano en pleno rodaje de "Extrañas Coincidencias". Al fin y al cabo, todo descalabro tiene su explicación.
Tomlin: (mid sentence) photos of yourself….(huffs) see its harder actually to pick it off the damn desk.
Hoffman: (inaudible) and reset it.
O’Russell: You can put the fucking thing down. You can put the folder down for a second. You can use both hands.
Tomlin: Yeah, and take your legs off the desk, and a whole bunch of other stuff.
O’ Russell: (inaudible)
Tomlin: (huffs) ok for Christ’s sake. Let’s just take it one fucking line at a time. Instead of changing everything as we, it’s very difficult to create what you are even going to do when its a constant barrage of – change this, change this, do this, do this, no wait wait, do it a different way, do it a different way. Don’t get me started. Ok, I’m just saying, you know let’s just, it’s impossible. One actor is doing one thing, one actor is doing another, and….I’m not as brilliant as you, I can’t keep up with…
O’Russell: No, but we are being very patient with you.
Tomlin: We are being very efficient?
O’Russell: Being patient with you. So you can try…
Miembro del equipo: Let’s rehearse, please.
Tomlin: You’re being impatient!
O’Russell: No, I said patient.
Miembro del equipo: Let’s rehearse.
Tomlin: I couldn’t understand you. And it’s not the first time.
O’Russell: Fuck you! I’m just trying to fucking help you. Do you understand me!?
Tomlin: No, no, I…
O’Russell: I’m just being a fucking collaborator here. I’m just trying to help you figure out your fucking (O’Russell throws papers and stuff across the room). Hey bitch. I am not here to being fucking yelled at. I’ve worked on this fucking thing for three fucking years. And not to have some fucking cunt (O’Russell kicks some folders) yell at me or the fucking crew, whilst im trying to help you bitch! Figure it out yourself!
Tomlin: Well I am figuring it out.
O’Russell: Yeah! Fuck yourself!
Tomlin: Good, why don’t you fuck your whole movie. Why don’t you fuck your whole movie, cos that’s what you are doing. (she dodges something thrown by O’Russell) We better get some insurance against the director.
O’Russell: (inaudible) fucking (inaudible) show. (inaudible) fucking. (inaudible) grown up. (O’Russell re-enters the room from another door…like something out of Scooby-Doo) You’re a fucking grown up! Act like a grown up, not a baby. You’re a fucking grown up, I’m here to help you. That’s all I was trying to do, was help you figure…
Tomlin y O’Russell se solapan el uno al otro
O’Russell: You can talk to me. Was I yelling? Do I mfugm fucking yelling at you before now!? No! I never fucking yelled at you, you fucking whore!
Tomlin: You set the yelling standard for the whole set
5. Christian Bale vs Shane Hurlbut
El Caso:
En algún momento durante el rodaje de "Terminator: Salvation", el director de fotografía distrae a Christian Bale durante el rodaje de una intensa escena. Del equipo de rodaje están presentes el productor asociado Bruce Franklin y el director de la película, McG. Lo que viene a continuación es una paliza verbal de proporciones épicas que nos viene advertir de algo así como: "nunca cambies una bombilla cerca de Batman".
Christian Bale: KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!
Shane Hurlbut: Christian, Christian –
Bale: I want you off the fucking set you prick!
Shane: Christian, I’m sorry.
Bale: No, don’t just be sorry, think for one fucking second. What the FUCK are you DOING ? Are you professional or not?
Shane: Yes I am.
Bale: Do I fucking walk around and rip down –
Bruce Franklin: Christian, Christian –
Bale: No, shut the fuck up Bruce! Do I want – no! No! Don’t shut me up.
Franklin: I’m not shutting you up.
Bale: Am I going to walk around and rip your fucking lights down, in the middle of a scene? Then why the fuck are you walking right through? Ah da da dah, like this in the background. What the fuck is it with you? What don’t you fucking understand?
Shane: (inaudible)
Bale: You got any fucking idea about, hey, it’s fucking distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the fucking scene? Give me a fucking answer! What don’t you get about it?
Shane: I was looking at the light.
Bale: Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was fucking good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?
Shane: Ok.
Bale: Fuck-sake man, you’re amateur. McG, you got fucking something to say to this prick?
McG: I didn’t see it happen.
Bale: Well, somebody should be fucking watching and keeping an eye on him.
McG: Fair enough.
Bale: It’s the second time that he doesn’t give a FUCK about what is going on in front of the camera, alright? I’m trying to fucking do a scene here, and I am going “Why the fuck is Shane walking in there? What is he doing there?” Do you understand my mind is not in the scene if you’re doing that?
Shane: I absolutely apologize. I’m sorry, I did not mean anything by it.
Bale: Stay off the fucking set man. For fuck-sake. Alright, let’s go again.
McG: Let’s just take a minute.
Bale: Let’s not take a fucking minute, let’s go again. And have YOU fucking walking in! Can I have Tom put this on please.
Franklin: Can I have Tom in wardrobe please? Can I have Tom in wardrobe?
Bale: You’re unbelievable, you’re un-fucking-believable. Number of times you’re strolling-a-fucking around in the background. I’ve never had a DP behave like this. Ehhh…you don’t fucking understand what it’s like working with actors, that’s what that is.
Shane: No, that’s –
Bale: That’s what that is man, I’m telling you. I’m not asking, I’m telling you. You wouldn’t have done that otherwise.
Shane: No, what it is, is looking at the light and making sure, that you are, ugh –
Bale: I’M GOING TO FUCKING KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS IF YOU DON’T SHUT FOR A SECOND! ALRIGHT?
Desconocidos: Christian, Christian. It’s cool.
Bale: I’m going to go…Do you want me to fucking go trash your lights? DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING TRASH YOUR? Then why are you trashing my scene?
Shane: I’m not trying to trash your scene.
Bale: You are trashing my scene!
Shane: Christian, I was only –
Bale: You do it one more fucking time and I ain’t walking on this set if you’re still hired. I’m fucking serious. You’re a nice guy. You’re a nice guy, but that don’t fucking cut it when you’re bullshitting and fucking around like this on set.
McG: Alright, I know, let’s, let’s — (inaudible) –
Bale: Yeah, you might get it. He doesn’t fucking get it.
McG: I got it, I know. I get it. I get it. I know.
Bale: You might. He. Does. Not. Get It.
McG: We made good adjustments. For real, honestly. I get it. Just walk for five seconds.
Bale: No, I don’t need any fucking walking. He needs to stop walking.
McG: I get that –
Bale: I ain’t the one walking. Let’s get Tom and put this back on and let’s go again. Seriously man, you and me, we’re fucking done professionally. Fucking ass.
Y CÓMO EPÍLOGO, LA INMEJORABLE DEFINICIÓN DE "UNA HISTORIA DE VIOLENCIA" A CARGO DE ED HARRIS.