Gratitud, clave de la psicología positiva

Want More Appreciation?

Feel like you never get any thanks? Is it to the point where you feel like nobody even notices you, let alone what you do?

Here is a very simple why to feel appreciated and connected…

Say “Thank You!”

Say it often.

Look the person in the eye, smile, and as you are thanking them, be specific as to why you are praising them.

Wait!

Wasn’t this supposed to be about them thanking you?

It is.

Ever heard the saying, “What goes around, comes around?”

The way to get appreciation is by being appreciative.

Why? Because, my friends, people treat us the way we train them to treat us.

Consider this: how many of us grew up in households where we routinely heard our parents thank each other for the chores they performed? How many of us work in jobs where the leaders recognize the value of praise?

In order to feel appreciated, we must first create an environment where praise is given and gratefully received. Right now, it doesn’t occur to family members, friends, and co-workers to give you praise because we are creatures of habit, and giving praise is not the norm.

Or…perhaps they have given you praise in the past. And what did you do?

You sloughed it off.

Not because you didn’t want the praise, but because as women, we are taught that we should be humble.

Guess what? In being humble, we have inadvertently trained them that they are wasting their breath giving praise, and what’s worse, we are training our children to grow up believing they don’t deserve and shouldn’t expect praise. **GULP!**

So…how do we create an atmosphere that’s conducive to giving and receiving unsolicited praise?

1. Sit down with the people you’re seeking praise from (can be family, friends, co-workers–my favorite tactic is to start with a trusted pal and enlist his/her support).

• Share that you’ve realized that as much as you value them and their contributions, you’ve been remiss in thanking them and you want to change that going forward.

• Advise them that when you thank them, that you really want to celebrate for a moment with them, and that you know it’s new and may seem awkward at first but to bear with you, and that with practice, it will start feeling really good. (Trust me on this: receiving praise stimulates the release of dopamine in our brains, and that dopamine generates feelings of pride and pleasure–it gives us a sense of “winning.”)

• Enlist their support.

2. Go for the low hanging fruit!!! What do I mean by this? Don’t wait for someone to conquer the world to praise her/him. Noticing and acknowledging the small deeds that people do day in and day out has far more impact than throwing a ticker-tape parade for the big stuff. Give people credit for the chores they habitually perform, and in time, it becomes reciprocal.

Why? Because body language and tone is 93% of what we listen to. That said, the way for me to train you how to treat me is to stop what I’m doing, look you in the eye, smile, and in an upbeat, sincere tone acknowledge your efforts–acknowledge you. It’s not enough to tell you I want appreciation; I have to model the behavior that I want to you to adopt.

Here’s an example of how I give praise: Last night my husband grilled hamburgers for me. At one point he stomped inside, complaining that it was cold and rainy out. We ate in front of the television and as I finished, I put my plate down, turned and looked him in the eye and said, “Thank you for cooking the hamburgers out in the rain. I really appreciate it.”

How do you think he felt? (Not only did I appreciate the food preparation, I also acknowledged that I understood how he felt about standing out in the cold and rain to cook dinner and that I was grateful for his willingness to do so.)

His response? A little later, he thanked me for folding the laundry and then picked it up and carried it upstairs without me asking.

How do you think that made me feel?

What goes around, comes around.

3. Practice gratefully accepting and celebrating praise. I know it’s challenging–especially for those of us who were programmed to believe that humility is a desirable female trait. I’m going to put on my Dr. Phil hat now and ask: “How’s that working for you?”

My friends, we need to overcome that limiting belief and instead of downplaying praise, meet the other person’s gaze, smile back, and tell them, “You’re so welcome,” or “It’s my pleasure,” or “Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean so much to me.” (A word of caution about saying, “No problem”: People hear it as “No” + “Problem.” As well-meaning as the response is, the person receiving it subconsciously perceives it as a negative reply. I said it for years, and now say, “It’s my pleasure.”)

By doing this, we demonstrate and reinforce that the praise giver isn’t wasting his/her breath thanking us, and we also train that person how to receive praise.

In my case, humility wasn’t an issue. In my case, my husband and I used to battle each other for praise. I’d throw out my day’s accomplishments, he’d throw out his, and we’d stand there one-upping each other instead of celebrating our individual and combined contributions. It was a total lose-lose situation. The competition didn’t elicit feelings of pleasure nor pride. It fostered feelings of our contributions going unnoticed and made us resentful toward one another.

These days we praise and acknowledge each other daily. Those one minute interactions of stopping, looking at each other, smiling, and sharing our gratitude are the most meaningful minutes of my day. Not only do I feel appreciated and noticed, I feel connected and bonded with my husband.

In summary: if you feel unappreciated and invisible–or like me, jockey for praise and acknowledgement–create an environment that encourages giving it and receiving it. Don’t hold back giving praise until someone goes over and above; praise their every day contributions. As you do, be specific, and remember the power of body language and tone: make eye contact, smile, and let your pride and appreciation carry through your voice. When receiving praise, accept it with pride and appreciation. Don’t slough it off, celebrate it!

I guarantee that very shortly you will begin to hear praise in return and that your feelings of pride and pleasure will soar. What’s more, your relationships will benefit from these meaningful connections!

One last hidden benefit: it’s well-documented that when we are praised, our productivity goes up 20%…

If you have a story to share about your experiences giving and/or receiving praise, I’d love to hear them! Please feel free to post them on the website or our Facebook page. As always, I love to hear your comments and feedback about this and my other posts–feel free to post them or to email me.

Take care and thank you for connecting with me today!
All best,
Lisa

The holidays are coming! Looking for an empowering gift for the important women in your lives? Already read the book? Click here to check out our brand new Reconstructing Eve logo products!

Praise for Reconstructing Eve, the novel: “This book was great! I couldn’t put the book down, it kept me engaged and entertained through every chapter. I’ve read the Fifty Shades trilogy and this book was more entertaining. It made me laugh many times and cry through the painful times. Lisa Hilleren is a wonderful author who takes you on a wonderful adventure through the mid-life of a woman who finds herself again. Read it, it’s worth it!” Amazon Reader Review – 5 Stars!

Antoni Martínez. Psicólogo – psicoterapeuta en Valencia y online.